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Having Your Corneas Reshaped

I am getting my dumb eyes lasered on Saturday morning.  So of course this week I have been reading all of the horror stories about people with double vision etc.  I really need to settle down with it, but I can't help myself.  I have plenty of friends/acquaintances that have done it without any problems. And yet, I have this sneaking suspicion that I am going to be the 1 person who get screwed.

I have worn glasses for 23 years with contacts as a supplement for 15. The first thing I do every morning is grope blindly for my glasses

Minuses of Lasik:

• I enjoy flipping people off by pushing my glasses up with my middle finger - this is an important thing that I will not be able to do anymore! 
• I will look less intellectual without my glasses, right?
  
• Being able to see the alarm clock in the morning (seriously, I don't want to know what time it is)
• Not being able to hide less than perfect eyebrows
  
• Possible double vision/dry eyes
• Price
  

On the plus side:

• Eye makeup will be more fun
  
• 800 pairs of shades
• Not being a four eyes
• Being able to see the alarm clock in the morning (yeah, I know this is a minus too, but I do need to know when I need to get out of bed)
• Wearing my bangs for real
• Motivation to go to the spa to get brows done (and slip in a massage/mani/pedi)

Oh PS - I really hate it when people say stupid shit, like "You are so much prettier without your glasses."  A) that is not a compliment; B) That's like saying you're pretty for a dark-skinned girl; and C)I'm fly with four eyes or six and anyone who doesn't think so probably needs Lasik themselves.

Conversations with EBY

Me:  Michelle Obama is more fit than you.

       me too, but you should be embarrassed about it because you are a boy

Eby: When my day consists of being escorted from grade school to grade school talking to illegal mixicans and then to the gym and home, then       we can compare apples to apples.

Prison Break

Five signs you have been working too much:

5. The people in the Au Bon Pain across the street ask where you have been.
4. A partner at your sweatshop tells you to go home.
3. The sun both rises and sets while you are at work.
2. You've got 328 available downloads on iTunes from things you've pre-ordered/upgraded.
1. Your boyfriend, who you live with, asks via e-mail when he is going to see you again.

I haven't blogged because I've been in prison with no breaks to go out in the yard or anything! I am trying to keep up with this blog thing but failing, massively.  I will post something later today, maybe! Stay tuned.

Terminator is a Documentary

I love technology. So much so that I am always willing to put down cash on the latest shiny thing that will help make my life even the tiniest bit more convenient. My car is the perfect example of this. It has every bell and whistle that you can think of. Bluetooth? Check. Options to set seats and adjust mirrors based on the driver (even though I do not let anyone drive it)? Check? Voice activated controls? You betcha!

Even though I love technology, it is my firm belief that it will be the death of us all. I think about the number of devices I would have to ditch if I ever have to run from the rise of the machines. The Car, the Droid and the Blackberry (I'm trying to ditch that anyway) would be the first to go. Could I keep the iPod touch? I don't know. I think I could at least keep the iPod classic. Not sure though. What I do know is that Google = Skynet and when it becomes self aware (soon) we are all fucked. Google has much much access to my life (and probably yours), my cell phone and gmail/calendar/contacts are all intertwined - gchat is my preferred chatting tool. Every time I turn my phone on, Google knows where I am. If I disappear soon, you'll all know what happened. Now that I've shared this story, I've got to go, I just finished hooking up our Blu-Ray player to the internets.

Thank You Mario. But Our Princess Is In Another Castle

Want to waste 5 hours of your life and enjoy it? Try this: Super Mario Crossover.  I cannot beat the Super Mario Brothers for Wii yet.  I am up to level 8 and, unfortunately, I  have not had time to play since I went there.  Part of the reason I cannot beat it is because I am just so goddamn greedy. I have to get every possible coin.  I have to kill every turtle and every mushroom.  I sometimes go back a few steps and kill a turtle if I missed one.  One time, I stopped to kill a mushroom that was falling off a cliff.  Even though it was falling to its death, I shot it with a fireball anyway, just because.

I am starting to wonder if my greed while playing Super Mario is a metaphor for my work life.  I do not love my job.  Most days I don't even like it.  I was trying to think of the reasons I have not put any serious effort into looking for a new job that would probably be more rewarding.  I have not come up with any.  The only things I can think of are that 1) I am super lazy and 2) I like money a lot.  As to #1, I am lazy because I haven't gotten up the motivation to look for a job. I know how hard it is to send out resumes and follow up and the like.  I think #2 is probably self explanatory. I should say though, it's not that I'm some crazy person who thinks about money all the time, I just like being able to buy little things for myself as needed (wanted). 

In fact, when I am feeling blue or anxious, I have two comforts: comfort food and shopping. I've tried to cut out comfort foods (because I need to lose weight) so that leave shopping as my only alternative (well, that and watching movies all day, I'm sure that wouldn't fly at work though).  I enjoy spending an hour in Sephora or Macy's or Best Buy.  I don't necessarily buy anything but sometimes I cannot resist.  Lately I have been feeling very anxious.

KD has been pushing me to look for a new job.  This is probably partly because he's tired of hearing me complain about ti, but I doubt he would actually admit that.  The other part of it is that everyday I wake up and say "I don't wanna go to work!" and then when I come home from work I need 30 minutes to an hour to change my attitude from the work day. 
I need to find a way to change my habits and become un-lazy and get up the motivation to look for a new job. I am not sure how to get started though.  Maybe I will take a walk at lunch today and try to figure it out.  I just hope I don't stop at Macy's.

 

Hateration

A lot of people hate on Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and the like.  Let's face it, these people are living the American dream. They have no discernible talent and so what?  They have gotten rich, filthy rich, just showing up to places and getting their pictures taken (o.k., maybe sex tapes are involved).  The point is, they make money doing nothing and dammit, we should all be so lucky.  If you are reading this, you are probably not that lucky.  Rather, you are going to some job where they pay you to show up and actually work.  You are not getting money for nothing. No one is taking your picture, no one is asking you to endorse products. This is why you have hate for the celebutards, because they get to show up to the beach and do nothing but pretend to be outraged by people taking their pictures, and you have to work like some dumb slob, just like me.  Your hate is not warranted, these people are the American dream.  Yes, they are destroying our culture with tweets about nothing, rabid tabloid exposure, plastic surgery, easy sex, and rampant consumerism, but don't take it out on them, this is the system that we are all dealing with.  We have not learned to work the system yet. Don't hate, celebrate because compared to what the celebrity industrial complex will be like in say, 2020, these people will seem tame and dumre in comparison.

Sleep

I have been making a serious effort to get some sleep at night and have really been failing miserably. I think I got about 3 non-consecutive hours total last night which is seriously pathetic, even for me.  I am basically a zombie today.  I have no motivation to move or do anything and concentration is almost impossible.  I'm considering throwing in the towel on today and just going home to sleep.  Every time I seriously consider this, I look over at my to do list.   It is long and it is ugly. Perhaps if I set it on fire, I will not have to deal with anything on it.  I have matches, this is an option. (And as you all know, Arson is the answer to all of life's problems.) I'm sure the partners here and clients would be all pissy about me "not doing my work" and "committing malpractice" so I guess I will have to soldier on for now.  

Random Obsessions - Poundage

I just looked at the calendar and realized that it is already the 22nd of April.  The week is almost over, which is awesome, except I have to go to the dentist in the morning and also I have to work on Saturday.  FAIL FAIL FAIL.  It seems like all I do on the weekdays is write briefs and go to the dentist.  This month is flying by, which is sad, because my summer is already set to be ruined by prison/work.  If anyone out there needs a CEO who sits around and does nothing, I am your candidate, call me! I'm also available for endorsements.  I will endorse pretty much anything for the right amount of cash.

Lately, I am nourishing some random obsessions, which I think I will probably touch on over the next few weeks.  One of these obsessions is getting fit.  This encompasses 1) losing weight and 2) being more active. These things are not easy.  My problem is, I tend to get a bit discouraged about what I perceive to be obstacles and then I give up and start over.  Then try again and start over.  Lather, rinse, repeat. I've even enlisted friends who also want to get fit, to do the buddy system. That has not worked either.   I tried, among other things, Weight Watchers which I hated.  It felt like AA for fat people what with the emotion and the crying and the sadness. I am told that this is not normal, it was just the meetings I was in. I'm sure that's true, but I also hate the points thing.  I need the raw numbers, I think.  I am a person who thinks about data.

Anyway, over the last few weeks, I have been reading and learning.  There is a lot of advice out there about how to lose weight and get fit, etc. etc.  Most of it is similar, a lot of it is helpful, and some of it is not.  Reading helps me clarify my thoughts and my goals.  I'm also the kind of person who needs tools to help me a long, i.e. something I can look at to track my progress. In an effort towards greater accountability, I've decided just put it out here on the blog.  There are only friends reading anyway (I think), and you jerks see me and know what's going on.  Here' what I've identified:

The Goals:

• Lose Weight
• Get Stronger
• Eat Better
• Stay Positive
  
• Not Die at Pilates (almost screwed up this goal last night)
  

The Obstacles

• Lack of Time - this is a fake obstacle.  I blame work, but I need to make time.  I make time for movies and t.v., chatting with friends and any number of other things. I should be able to make time for working out.
  
• Laziness/Lack of Motivation - this is not a problem right now, but ask me in three weeks.
  
• Poor eating habits - I love food. Especially good food.  Also, I'm southern.  There ain't a damn thing a southern chick can't fry.  I also eat when I'm celebrating with friends, eat when I'm upset, eat when I'm bored, etc.  Don't eat enough vegetables, don't drink enough water.
  
• Poor sleeping habits - currently sleep 4-6 hours per night which is a massive failure.
  

The Plan:

• 1200-1550 Calories per day - lean proteins, more veggies, 4-6 small meals per day
  
• 8 glasses of water per day (god I hate water, so boring, no flavor but good for health and skin)
  
• Drink less soda (see above)
  
• 4 days of cardio per week
• 3 days of strength training per week
• 6-8 hours of sleep per night (this will be the hardest part I think, I just don't know how to sleep)

The Tools:

• SparkPeople - I can use this website to track eating (including calories and fat) and workouts.  I tried three different sites Self, Fitday and SparkPeople (4 if you count WW) and I like this one the best. Other pluses: it creates a food plan and workouts for you and has an app for the Motorola Droid.
  
• Tennis Shoes (for walking; one day I hope to become a runner)
  
• Elliptical - which is currently in my basement (KD gets up at 5 AM to use it in the mornings to use it, that should inspire me)
• Wii - both the Fit and the EA active (which kicks my butt)
• 4 lb dumbbells
• A workout mat
• Support of friends (that's you, thanks)
  
• Full Length Mirror (for looking in when I'm feeling lazy)

I've already started and we will see how it goes.  I welcome anyone who wants to join me on my journey, give me tips, commiserate or give encouragement (or money).

Potential Spree Inducements - Part 1

So, for the last three weekends KD and I have gone to eat crabs at various crab shacks in the DC/Virginia/Maryland area. We are experimenting with different places in the area. If this seems excessive, I should probably mention that I grew up less than 2 miles from the Chesapeake Bay and have been eating blue crabs since I was a child.  I used to go crabbing with my family when I was young, in high school I would go with friends, and after I went to college, I would come home in the summers and go with friends.  It's like fishing but less boring.  We would walk down to the pier, tools in one hand, and a cooler of beer with us, and it would be a blast.  Have you ever chased a blue crab down a pier after 3 beers? No? Then you're missing out.  (I have not been crabbing in years, I need to fix that this summer.)

Anyway, in the last 3 weeks, after we have finished eating, my hands have started to swell a little.  It goes away after an hour or two.  I think this is probably from the act of picking the crabs apart, which is not an easy process.  You get tiny cuts on your hands from the claws/shells and I'm sure that causes issues, but in all of my years (30?) picking apart blue crabs this has never happened before.  It occurred to me that I might be developing an allergy to shellfish, and I assure you that if this is the case, it is not going to end well for humanity as a whole. In the meantime, I've decided to take an 'ignorance is bliss' approach to the whole damn thing.  Maybe I am getting microcuts (I think I made that word up) on my hands, which is causing the swelling.  I won't be bringing it up with my doctor unless something more substantial happens, like my throat closing up or something similar (drastic).

For your review and enjoyment, here is a list, in order of preference, of the crab houses we have been to so far this season.

1. Obrycki's - Baltimore, Md.
2. Hooper's Crab House -Ocean City, Md (this is pretty far, but we were in Ocean City anyway)
3. Captain Pell's - Fairfax, VA
4. Cantler's Riverside Inn - Annapolis, Md

  Maybe I will keep a list in the sidebar of this blog. This is important information.

Oh, Hair

Right now I am standing in line, at 8:50 A.M., at my hair salon.  Yes it's a Sunday but my hair needs some serious work. It is fucking 45 degrees, and there are nine women ahead of me in line and about 12 behind me. This place opens at nine. The salon I go to is a Dominican salon that does amazing blowouts and it is a testimony to the dedication of black women to their hair that there are so many women out here standing in line in the cold. By ten o'clock there will be no less than 50 women in the samon waiting or getting worked on. It's scary even. As for myself, I have one too many grays making an unwelcome appearance and if I don't get my hair done they will keep showing up, like an unholy army of age. I'm not at the age where I am planning on aging gracefully,  that's for other
people. They are letting us in now, so I am going to tell them what I need to get done. Maybe one day, I will let my hair go wild. Not today though.

PS the woman behind me is talking about how she is leaving her boyfriend and how she is going to take him to the cleaners because she has no job and he has gotten her accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Haha! I wonder how that is going to work out.

Save me, PLEASE!

I was in a conference for the bulk of the day yesterday and it was boring and I have to go to another session today.  I don't want to be there, and it's Friday, and it's supposed to go until 7 tonight. AND there is a third session tomorrow.  Uh, no.  No no no no no.  I am leaving early.  Let's face it, there is only so much I can take.  I am trying very hard not to be one of those assholes who checks her blackberry/droid every two minutes, but it has been incredibly hard. It is so boring that I have literally had to pinch myself repeatedly during some parts of it just to stay awake. To top things off, I had a work emergency, and had to go back to my office to file things during my one respite, the lunch break. I'm not a coffee drinker and I am trying to limit my soda intake, but good lord if today doesn't go any better, I think I may have to mainline caffeine today to make it through.  Pray for me, people.  

Hottest Chick in the Game

I've got pilates tonight, which means I will be dead tomorrow, so I might as well go ahead and write my final blog post.  How can something that looks so easy be so damn difficult? Last week, I was the only person at the class.  This was a good thing because I got personal attention and the instructor made sure I was doing everything the proper way.  This was also a bad thing in that the instructor made sure I was doing things the proper was and later I had difficulty walking up the stairs.  I really just want the results without the work.  Is that too much to ask?

i know  I am not the only one out there who has a minor (major) crush on our First Lady.  The fact that she hasn't slapped the shit out of someone for all the crap that has been said about her, her husband, and even her kids (wtf is wrong with people?) is enough to earn my admiration and respect (especially considering the number of people I would slap if I could get away with it).  I find her to be extremely refreshing, and a role model for people like me.  I've never been that interested in our various First Ladies, although I admired Laura Bush because she always had this serene look on her face, in spite of her husband's massive stupidity (also I think she's a secret liberal). But Michelle seems accessible in a way that other politicians and celebrities do not.  I wonder if she is really as warm and friendly as she seems or if it's just an act?  I just watched a video where she greeted one of the visitors to the White House in sign language and it made me wonder how someone can be so damn gracious and put together all the time.   She of course, says that she's normal, which might be true, but that seems unlikely.  If I had half of her poise, patience and and 1/3 of her cardigans, I'd probably be more pleasant and better dressed.

Michelle serves as an inspiration to me because she seems to have it all and have her priorities straight. There are too many articles and 'studies' out right now that claim that black women: will never get married (wrong), will always be poorI am a firm believer of having your priorities in order, and right now mine are out of wack.  There's been too much work and not enough sitting around, so I am pledging, right here and right now, to do the following things:

1. Call my mom (and other family members) more;
2. Spend more time with friends;
3. Be nicer to my boyfriend (not much nicer);
4. Sleep more;
5. Work out more and eat better (& lose some damn weight);
6. Complain less (about work, annoyances, etc);  
   
7. Dress nicer on my days off; and
8. Take more time to enjoy life's little pleasures. 

This is an ambitious list that I'm not sure I can complete.  Suggestions for completing these tasks is much appreciated.

You're the Worst Character Ever, Towelie.

It is always a poor idea for me to go outside on a day like this, when the weather is perfect, because, like Towelie I have a tendency to wander off.  This has happened more times than I should probably admit. I go outside for lunch and then, somehow, end up not making it back to prison.  The last time this happened, I went out to get lunch, walked a mile, got a book, got on the metro and ended up at the Mall, reading the book outdoors. This almost happened just a few minutes ago.  I guess I could take work outside but that would definitely ruin it. Plus, this wandering off just seems to happen naturally.  I think it's someone/thing's way of telling me I am not meant to be in an office all day.  Maybe my true calling is reading books in a park? Can I get paid for that?

Closets as Bare as the Cupboard

KFC hates your heart: http://blogs.palmbeachpost.com/malled/2010/04/07/kfcs-double-chicken-no-bun-sandwich-to-debut/  via T.G.

This weekend I undertook a major cleaning project: I cleaned out my closet and drawers. It took many hours - 5 bags of clothes later, I was done.  I generally do this 3 times a year.  This year I felt a greater sense of urgency, partly because I've lost weight in the last year (not enough) and partly because I just don't like what I'm wearing lately.  Upon deciding on my mission, the plan was to get rid of everything that did not fit, everything tattered, and everything that just does not look right.  This is not an easy task because I had to get rid of things that I love and I have to wrestle with myself internally to get it done.  The conversation between the left side of my brain and the right side goes something like this:

Left: That's too big, get rid of it.
Right: You can't get rid of it, it's silk and it was expensive.
Left: It looks awful and you can't wear it anywhere. Put it in the bag.
Right: It may fit again later.
Left: That's a bad thing, not a good thing.
Right: It's Calvin Klein!
Left: GET RID OF IT.

This goes on with at least 60% of the items in my closet, which slows down the process of cleaning it out.  And now after the massive cleaning, there are quite a few gaps in my wardrobe that have been there for a while but are even more apparent now that the closet is clean.  On the one hand, t  I love clothes, shoes, handbags and accessories.  This is my right as a girl.  I can spend 2 hours in one section of Macy's - touching things, trying them on, pairing them together. It's a difficult but important process.  On the other hand, I am extremely hard to fit - I'm short, I'm missing the ass that  black women are allegedly blessed with; I have apple shape where the top of my body does not match the bottom and a rack that makes Pamela Anderson look like part of the itty-bitty titty committee.   Because of these factors, my work wardrobe is hella boring - dark pants and skirts, boring button downs and sweaters and dresses on Friday (maybe).  This is o.k.  I am a lawyer, and most clients do not want their lawyers to look interesting (especially in the type of law I practice). 

My non-work wardrobe has started to veer into this comfortable nondescript territory too, and that is not acceptable.  Indeed, it is time for a makeover of sorts (including hair). Accordingly, it's time to shop like I have never shopped before. I just have to make a list and then I am off to the races.  Pray for me, also, send money.

Glen Beck Made $32 Million Last Year

On my Gchat status, I wrote:  Being a nut is profitable: Glen Beck made $32Million last year? He can buy sanity with that much cash.

Top 3 Responses:

3.  I believe that is $32 million more than he deserves. -  A.G.

2.  I also beg to differ on your analysis.  I am a total loon, yet I don't make shit!  - A.S.  (To which I say: Then you're doing it wrong!)

1. EB: I just threw up in my mouth a little bit after I read your status. 
    Me: I know, that was my  intent. Seriously though, what the fuck have you done with your life?
    EB: apparently not nearly enough

Using Brain Power to Become an Indecisive Bore

QuoteotD: "How can you tell if you are a celebrity stalker? If you do a google image search of your celebrity crush and a picture of you pops up." [This is a true story of a friend who is in LOVE, LOVE with a guy in a band.  Her profile picture from Facebook comes up when you Google him. Reminder: stalking is a crime.]

For the past 10 weeks, I have been taking a Chinese class at one of the local colleges.  Every time I tell someone this, they ask me why.  This is a good question and not one I have a good answer to either.  I usually mutter something about how I thought it would be fun to use my brain at least once a week or about how I always wanted to learn another language - and this class teaches speaking and writing (both the characters and the pinyin).  It has been very difficult.  My final exam for this first introductory class on Monday and I'm pretty certain that I did not do well.  It would be easier if we did not learn the characters but if it were easier I probably would not take it or enjoy it.

This is indicative of one of my fundamental mental problems - I think about things too much and I do some things the hard way when the easier way would be better and more efficient.  In every area of my life, I put in more thought than is absolutely necessary - sometimes things are better if you just relax and take it easy.  Case in point: I test drove 9 vehicles before I bought my current car. This is a smart idea right? See what's out there.  The dumb part of this is that I had pretty much already decided on this car (down to the color and the options), having already owned 2 versions of the same vehicle (with different body styles).  What was the point of all those test drives then? I told myself it was to make sure I was getting the right car. Really, I was just wasting my time (also I enjoy driving cars, but that's a different story). 

This same over-processing applies to my relationships (familial, friendly, and romantic), work, clothing (including shoes), hair, and lipstick.  Everything is scheduled and color-coded now and followed up with check lists.  This over-processing is a good trait in a lawyer performing legal work (congratulations, clients!) but not necessarily good in a young woman's personal life. 

A few issues have weighed heavily on my mind the last few weeks and I am not sure what to do.  Some of these things require decisions pretty soon but...I'm stuck. When I was younger I was more care free and spontaneous - I remember a trip to Aruba that I booked mere hours before going, shaving my head on a whim in my first year out of college, and random trips out with the girls that lasted until 3 A.M.  I was better at doing whatever my heart wanted to do. Now that I am an old lady in her early 30s, I am insanely boring and predictable - and my brain generally wins out over decisions that are split between the heart and mind.  I think I stopped believing that flight is possible even after soaring a few times.  I wonder if this is just something that comes with getting older and becoming an adult with real responsibilities.  At the same time, however, I wonder if it's just me.  One day (soon) I hope to stop tentatively staring at the edge of the cliff - maybe one day I can get up the courage to jump and see if my wings still work.

How the GOP Can Fix Its Race Problem

Everyone knows the GOP has a problem with people of color.  Especially black people.  I think part of the problem is that their members are either too damn cynical or too damn afraid to confront issues of race (and class) with any finesse or real solutions.  This could be remedied, with some work.  Here are a few ideas:

1. Fire Michael Steele. Has there even been a more incompetent, controversy courting, inarticulate boob chairing any party? If he were doing his job correctly, we would barely hear his name except when the GOP has big wins.  Shit, I barely remember that Tim Kaine is the chair of the DNC and he was my governor. Real talk: the RNC elected Steele precisely because he is black, they wanted to seem inclusive (i.e. "See, we have black leaders too!") and hoped he would provide an effective counter-balance to the charisma machine who is our current Potus. A more cynical me thinks that the GOP was sure that having a black man as their chair would provide cover for some of their suspiciously close to racist bullshit.  Their election of Steele is cynicism at its clearest moment.  The RNC took away some of Steele's responsibilities early in the game, and basically just wanted him to sit back, be black, and not put his foot in his mouth.  Steele has been a spectacular failure in this regard - he puts his foot in his mouth almost every time he speaks, he refuses to sit back and just do his damn job, and when people think proud black man, they really don't think of Steele (that's mean, I'm sorry, but it's the truth).  I haven't heard one person - of any color - claim that Steele really gets where they are coming from.   None of the GOP's electoral wins have been attributed to Steele's hard work and brilliance (even though he has great credentials and is probably a smart guy). And finally, his pandering is pathetic (every time he mentions hip hop or being streetwise a rapper gets his wings).  Let's face it, Steele is a terrible representative of both the GOP and black people.  It's time to cut bait on this failed experiment and cast your line somewhere else, RNC.  Preferably not with, as Wonkette puts it, southern slave owners.

2. Try to actually reach out to minorities instead of just saying that's what you're going to do. Every other year, the GOP comes out with some bullshit plan aimed at attracting minorities to the party.  This is predictably around election time.  The funny thing is, there are a lot of conservative minorities out there and yet instead of reaching out to those people and highlighting shared interests - the GOP comes up with a "plan" and sticks it in a drawer to collect dust. Dummies: Come up with a real plan and then enact it.  All the platitudes about reaching out and "big tents" are nothing more without actual work behind them.  If you honestly think your policies are better for all people, sit down and tell us WHY, with hard facts and examples, if you got 'em.  Don't just give us some bullshit about good trickling down.

3. Stop courting nuts.  This is very easy.  Stop giving Limbaugh hand jobs and apologizing to him because he doesn't like you.  Stop being inspired by Glenn Beck's rants and crying. Stop supporting dumb asses with silver spoons in their mouth like Lynn Cheney. Finally: don't nominate people to office who can't open their mouths without lying about even the smallest, inconsequential shit.

4. Stop making excuses for bigoted bullshit. Politicians like to talk about how the Tea Party people are just regular Americans standing up for their rights.  Yeah some of them are, maybe even most (unlikely) but those aren't the ones that make the news. If some asshole spits on a black law maker, calls another one a nigger, and a third one a fag, you need to rebuke them in the strongest terms possible - not claim that it probably didn't happen or explain that people are upset because of something being crammed down their throats.  That is easily some of the stupidest shit I have ever heard! Wake up and reject prejudice!

5. Stop using coded language.  The craze about the census, the words facism, socialism, etc are all coded language.  We know the president is black.  He has different ideas, not all of them are great, but every time some GOP asshole goes on t.v. and calls Obama a fascist or a socialist, objects to the constitutionally mandated (for Christ's sake) census, or some crazed tea partier holds up a racist sign, another reasonable person blames it on the GOP. Since you have not followed the advice in 4, above, there's no reason not to.

6. Stop being fucking haters all the time. This is very important.  Is there anything the GOP does like: you have disparaged the gays , the blacks, the hispanics, the women, the young folks, the non-christians and everyone else who is not white, over 35 and male.  You keep screaming about reparations, sponsoring marriage-related amendments, demonizing gays, demonizing the President.  Why not try being positive about your own policies and leave the demonization to the stupid right-wing radio nuts. 

7. The Bush dichotomy.  Yes, liberals demonized Bush. Yes, they called him names. Yes, yes, yes, they did all the horrible things that you are saying.  Doing the same to Obama doesn't make it right.  It only makes it even, but you look like fucking haters all the time (see above) and it just pisses people off. Even I can admit that Bush did some decent things but you need to admit that he did a lot of insanely stupid shit too. See Iraq, War in.

8. Do some fucking work.  This is the easiest.  DO YOUR DAMN JOBS.  Come up with some actual legislation and some actual innovative policies and actually present them in a clear and coherent manner.  Present them as good ideas rather than anti-democrat ideas (P.S. tax cuts, tax cuts tax cuts is dumb, dumb, dumb).  And if Obama, who says over and over again that he wants to work with you balks, then call him on his bullshit. Right now, you seem to start with "We ain't votin' for anything this socialist is interested in" and then whine that your ideas are not incorporated (even when they are).  Legislating: UR DOIN IT RONG.  Maybe you should start with: "This idea will help the American people because [insert answer here]..."

9. Talk about race (and class).  This is the only hard thing on this list. People don't like to discuss it because it is messy and hard and emotional.   If you first recognize that "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" is easy to say when you've had it pretty fucking easy and further recognize that institutional problems (even if they don't exist anymore and I'm not convinced they don't) take generations to fix, the conversation can start from a place of honesty.

When you are ready to get started, let us all know. 

Just Another Terrible Tuesday

There is something suspect about Tuesdays. Let's look at a rundown of the week:

Mondays suck, yes - but everyone hates Monday.  Also, think about it: people don't mess with you on Monday. Everyone is pissed off about being at work, everyone has stuff to do, and  so everyone keeps to themselves. There is a quiet solitude about Monday, where your nose is to the grindstone but at least there is some peace. 

Wednesday is hump day - you probably feel like you accomplished something even if it's just making it through half the week.

Thursday is awesome because you can finally feel like you let your hair down and relax a little bit - it's almost the weekend.

Friday is the best because even if you are having a root canal on Saturday morning and a colonoscopy on Sunday, the work week is over.  Friday is the promise of the weekend. 

Saturday/Sunday - the weekend. There's sleeping in or shopping or just sitting on your ass.  Weekends are fun even when they are not. 

Tuesday has no value at all.  It's just an awful day where people are at the height of being annoying and it's not even close to the weekend.  Tuesday is never payday.  Tuesday is the day you check out your 401K and realize it is still full of fail. Tuesday is the Asshole of the Week

The Joy of Complaining (and why work is my biggest complaint)

There is something beautiful and fun about complaining. I find this especially true when the complaints are essentially about inconsequential bullshit.  There are people in this world with real problems and tragedy - they deal with poverty, war, sickness, famine, assault, worries about losing their homes, missing loved ones, etc.  In the grand scheme of things, I am lucky - I have problems, yes, but they are minimal compared to some of the tougher things going on in the world today. I try to remember this when I'm whining about my job, being pissed at Sephora; for no longer carrying my brand of foundation (jerks!) or not having enough time to sit on my ass and play Super Mario on the Wii for hours on end.  

And yet, I still like to whine to my friends (and now again, to the intertubes) about the various minor injustices that I have to face daily.  Like work. My favorite thing to do is to refer to work as "prison", my office as my  "cell" and the various goings on at work as "bullshit."  I work very long hours (usually 6:30 AM to 6 or 7, 5 days a week + some hours on weekends and every once in a while on holidays), and about 60% of what I do is not interesting. This is not unique to me, this is the curse of most associates everywhere who work in law firms with more than 20 lawyers.  For private sector lawyers, the irritation in your life caused by work (i.e. the amount of boring and bullshit) increases in direct proportion with the number of lawyers who work in your firm.  This is why there is camaraderie and interesting work for associates at small firms with less than 20 attorneys.  Here's the formula:  (amount of boring +  amount of bullshit) x #of lawyers = Life Irritation Factor.  And here's the telltale number as it relates to me: my firm has well over 1000 lawyers.  Add to that that I am a litigator who never sees a courtroom and the red tape wrapped around this place and my life irritation factor is very high.  The irritation factor drops very low on payday (I like money a lot) and immediately goes back to normal after that 24 hour period has lapsed.  For me, there's a number of ways to tamp down the irritation: complaining (see how I tied it this post together?), shopping (too  much), Wii (not enough), and movies.

The simple fact is that, prior to and during law school, I had all of these dreams about being a public defender and actually helping human beings and seeing a courtroom on a regular basis.  Despite having  a freakishly high GPA and a winning personality (and modesty!) the PD offices with which I interviewed told me to beat it  (one even asked why I would want to work there when I could go to a big firm - how stupid is that?).  My back up plan was to work at a smaller (250 attorneys) big firm and so interviewed with a bunch of those (every one of which offered me a job).  So when my dream job called me late in my third year of law school to tell me personally that they were not interested, I chose a job at a smaller big firm in a metro area that was not my cup of tea.  I actually mostly enjoyed my career there but could not stand the area in which I lived.   And so 18 months later, I decided to high tail it back to D.C.  Again, the PD offices were not interested, so I joined the massive firm for which I now work.  And while I technically practice the exact same type of law that I did at the old firm, the current work that I do is not nearly as challenging or  interesting (see the formula above).  In other words, when it comes to career, I am firmly entrenched in my back up plan.  I have thought about leaving but for a number of reasons (like I still own a house in the old metro area and the legal market is really bad and I have a shoe addiction to support) and I have remained stagnant. No one likes to be relegated to his/her back up plan and I am not different. Eventually I will have to make a change, but I'm not ready yet, so I will keep complaining and keep shopping until that is not enough anymore.